Four years ago next month, I sat at this very same computer and penned a long, emotional goodbye to all I’d ever known. My time in the town that raised me was up and I headed west to Texas to face a new beginning. At the time, that plan didn’t involve leaving Texas, only getting there and establishing myself. Today marks a revision to that plan. In the most bittersweet of ways, the Texas chapter of my life comes to a close.
For the last two years or so, the distance between my family and I has become too great a burden to bear. The more days that passed, the more I realized I needed to find a way to close the gap. Before figuring out any details, I started to wonder how it might all work out. Internally, I viewed the distance as a battle. As more time passed, the battle became harder to endure. My grandmother always told me to “choose my battles.” I took that as choosing the ones to fight as well as the ones to walk away from. This is certainly one I’m willing to lose.
As with most things, this decision fills me with a variety of emotions. While I am elated to be moving to the same town as my family in Tennessee, I also have sadness to deal with. I don’t make any decision lightly and the gravity of this one is certainly not lost on me. I never miss an opportunity to stop and reflect so before moving on, I wanted to look back.
The only thing I really didn’t have figured out when I decided to move to Texas was a job. I knew what direction I wanted to go in and I had applied to a few before actually arriving, but nothing was set in stone. After being here for three months, I landed with a company that provided me a chance to take my career to heights I never imagined it would reach. Every day for the last 3+ years I’ve had the pleasure of working alongside some of the most creative, hard-working, dedicated, intuitive, and friendly individuals I’ve ever met. I had the privilege of running projects of all sorts and meeting people from all over the world. I even had some of my work featured in publications and nominated for awards. It would be impossible to thank every single person deserving of my gratitude, but I would want them all to know that I am better off after having met them. Many of the conversations, lessons, and stories will stay with me forever.
A thought that crosses my mind often is the realization that you never truly know the last time you will perform an activity or see a certain individual. I think of the song “Last Time for Everything” by Brad Paisley. This thought has plagued me over the last few weeks. To think that I have likely seen people for the last time who have meant so much to me during my time in Texas is a tough pill to swallow. My consolation prize for this is the constant remembrance of the impact they’ve had on me, some of which have been profound.
There aren’t enough words to mention everything in Texas that I’ll miss, but some things will leave noticeable voids. I can’t count how many phone calls I’ve had with Lyndsey and Madison that lasted over an hour or how much time I spent wondering on any given day what part friend, coworker, or therapist they were to me. I haven’t always been the best at “letting people in” but I’m thankful for their friendship and generous contribution of time always. I’ll miss sitting on the balcony with Bobbie every night, watching her cats Ari and Luna dart around as we watched planes take off and land at the distant airport. Every time I look at the night sky, I think of her and wonder if there’s some chance she’s looking up too. The meaning of “right person, wrong time” holds real weight now. I bought my first new truck in Texas, had it totaled in a head-on collision, and bought my second. I’ll miss the short drive to the Starbucks by my house and being welcomed each day by any one of perhaps a dozen employees who took the time in the last four years to learn my name and my exact coffee order. It’s the small things, after all. I’ll miss my talks with Kevin too, the manager of a steel company who was from New York and just so happened to provide the steel for SUNY Oswego the same year I became a student there. We’d often catch up about living in the northeast and share memories of our time there. It’s amazing where life will lead you.
It goes without saying that without Clayton, there is no Texas for me. As if I didn’t spend the last 17 years of my life accruing massive debt to the Brooks family, I sure added to it with this move. Clayton allowing me to move into his house was what sealed my decision to move to Texas in the first place. He showed me ultimate understanding and applied no pressure whatsoever. I was allowed to look for work and find my way while having the support of him and his wife, Claudia, the entire time. Everything I’ve had the pleasure of earning and experiencing in Texas is due in no small part to him. When Clayton left our hometown in 2012 to move to Texas, I always wondered if I’d ever see him again. Never did I imagine eight years later we’d be living under the same roof.
When I pulled into his driveway on that rainy New Year’s Eve, he had just gotten engaged. Now just four short years later he’s married and has two children of his own. I was lucky enough to get a front row seat to the wedding when Clayton chose me to be his best man. Seeing him build and grow his family has filled me with such joy. As I mentioned in my speech at the wedding, I root for his success always. I also can’t help but mention how cool it was to share a co-ed softball field with him in Texas ten years after we had done the same thing in New York. Maybe in another ten we’ll team up in a different state.
I know that as time goes on, I will be able to overcome the sadness that accompanies my leaving. I’ve come to value both the journey and the destination. I’ve learned that where you came from is just as important as where you’re going. And I know that where I’m going is the place that I need to be. I have spent many nights trying to figure out this move and all the logistics needed to make it happen. When I left the Northeast four years ago, I had to hand out a bunch of “goodbyes.” It is with immense delight that I now get to take some of those “goodbyes” back. It’s been a long time coming.
I have had to be a long-distance father for the last four years and while I’m thankful that the benefit of technology made this easier, there’s still nothing like the real thing. My favorite part about this move is that my children don’t know that I’m making it. Not only will they be greeted with the surprise of me showing up at their house unannounced, I also get to tell them that this trip will be a little bit different because I’m not returning to Texas this time. I have spent the better part of two years envisioning how that conversation will go. I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
Two other “goodbyes” went out to my brothers. “Bailey Boys” is plural after all, and I’ve been a solo act for far too long. So much of who I am and continue to be is because of the bond we forged throughout our lives. As it turns out, when I moved to Texas, they relocated to Tennessee. Today I trade in my fourteen hours of distance for a few minutes and rejoin them as well. There’s nothing quite like having a brother and I’m thankful for the two I’ve been given in this life.
I spend much of my free time reading and sometimes I feel a little bit down when I finish a good book. I look for ways to replace that feeling and something that has worked for me is finding the next good book. So while the Texas book is finished, I haven’t opened the Tennessee book yet. How I look forward to all it has in store for me.
I arrived in Texas hopeful and I’m leaving Texas grateful. I will parlay that same sense of hope to my new life in Tennessee.
“Dreams mean everything. They’re the stories we tell ourselves of what could be, who we could become.”
Within Me 